I'm not the type to usually give advise. I'm more of a listener. I believe what I've got to say and share from past experiences could benefit those out there who may be on shaky ground in a relationship or even those considering jumping back into the water. I'm not trying to be a downer here, just merely pointing out mistakes I have made in the past and perhaps from a different angle, give perspective on what to avoid, what to duck and dive from.
I guess the biggest point I can speak to is never give more than you get. Yes, I am the queen of all doormats! I supported a man who I promised to love, cherish...blah blah blah for longer than I care to remember. Finally, the doormat got worn down and needed to have a life of her own to enjoy and be happy. I was so worried that I couldn't do it on my own, and what for? I already was doing it on my own! I guess if that person isn't willing and able to give you all the things you are willing and able to give them, a relationship is probably not a good idea as it will not survive, unless one or both of you are perfectly content to be an unhappy doormat. And honestly, who wants to be walked all over in life?
I won't lie. Being alone can be tough, more so emotionally in most cases than financially. Once I got out on my own, my eyes were opened to a whole new world! I was only responsible for me! (And my cat.) I could save my own money! I could pay my bills on time! Those 2 things alone gave me such a good feeling about myself. So, again, I'd say if you can't meet those 2 goals while in a relationship, there is a possibility for some trouble. Being a couple is hard enough without that extra hassle!
I hope I don't sound bitter. Remember, this is the glass half full girl. I am not giving up on finding someone who knows me as well as I know myself and likes me in spite of that! Heck, maybe they will even love me! Stranger things have been known to happen. The one great relationship of my life lasted about 3 1/2 years with someone who wasn't even in the country. Perhaps that had something to do with why it was great? I hope not. I am reminded of a scene from one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies, "The Cutting Edge" where Kate tells Doug that her fiance', Hale is working in her father's London office. Doug then replies with a snarky grin that she must look awfully good from 3,000 miles away. Perhaps that's how it did stay alive so long. There is something exciting about counting down the days until you next see someone, meeting them at the airport and planning a fun-filled stay until you have to tearfully say goodbye for another 6 months, when you will see them again. The in-between time is not so much fun, but you make the best of it. I still think that it could have worked if circumstances had been slightly different...glass half full.
After my near trip to the mental ward and a stint on anti-depressants, I took some time for me again and spent loads of time with my family. Poured myself into work. And after a year or so, I decided (for some reason) it was time to test the waters. Maybe I was just lonely. I went right back to my doormat status, willingly! Once again, I ended up taking care of another man who was nearly a carbon copy of my ex-husband. I even saw it in the beginning. I even said so. But when you tell someone they behave just like your ex, they tend to stomp their feet and get belligerent about it. So, you start to question yourself and your observations. Stop right there! Don't question yourself! You know you! Run! Run fast. Get the hell outta Dodge. If not, you are setting yourself up for massive failure. If that person is worth anything, they will run after you and prove to you they are not what you say they are. They will prove it to you if they care enough about you. By the way, if you find that person, good for you. You are one of the lucky ones. I, unfortunately, was not. I spent over 3 years as a doormat once again. Supporting a man, who I felt obligated to support since he fought for our country. I feel strongly for our soldiers. I have family who have turned their lives upside down to protect us all. I am proud of them. I don't believe they get enough in return for what they give. However, respect is a 2-way street and while I gave much respect for what he had done over there, he just took and took and took from me. As above, there is only so much a doormat can take. When someone steals from you, who lives under your roof, the trust is gone. Whether it's taking your credit card without your knowledge to purchase something they could afford if they'd get off their lazy ass and get a job or it's allowing you to pay for everything and promise they will make it up to you when they get a job, somewhere along the line, respect is gone. Respect is a dead end at that point and things are never going to recover.
So, learn from me. Read my mistakes and laugh. Yeah I've been dumb, a lot. But learn a lesson here. Or you will be the one paying for a lawyer on your own to file for divorce. You will be the one trying to pull yourself out from under debt that you would have never accumulated on your own. Avoid the heartache. Earn and give trust and respect and want to get to know all there is to know about that person and like what you know. Otherwise, we'll be seeing you at the next coronation of the doormats. I'll save you a throne, heck, maybe you can even have mine!
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