I turned 40 last week. How did that happen? I remember my 30th birthday like it was just a couple weeks ago. So much has happened since then. Divorce, got my own place, met the man of my dreams, applied for K-1 fiance' visa, got dumped when visa process was nearly finished, cars, weight gained and lost and gained again, became an aunt again, met another guy, thought he was the one, got preggo, miscarried, lost my last grandparent, surgeries, concerts, travel, met some idols, friends came and went and came back. In just ten years. Blink, it's gone!
A friend once told me something like - I'm staring down the hill, I'm 40. How depressing. I guess if you want to look at it that way it's your prerogative. I prefer to think of it as a ton of experiences and I hope that I've learned something from them all. I hope I carry those lessons with me and make fewer mistakes because of them. Being 40 and single (well, divorced) is not what I envisioned my life to be, way back when I had designs on where I saw "Future Jenn." It's not a terrible thing, but it's nice to have someone to share conversations and 'all that other relationship stuff.' Another friend recently mentioned that people our age have so much baggage. I flash back to the first paragraph and my summation of the last 10 years. Yep, she's right. Baggage. Tons of it. I try not to dwell on it too much. Some of it was fantastic, some of it, not so much. It serves a purpose though, doesn't it? I can look back and think, wow, how stupid was I? Or wow, I really did that! Or even, wow, I...really...did that.
I guess I've always tended to try and see the glass half-full. I probably hold onto hope a lot longer than others would that things will work out somehow. Everyone tells me there's someone out there for you! Wow, who wants a 40 year old woman? I know!!!! A 90 year old man! Silver lining has a whole new meaning. But seriously, with all the people out there who have found happiness and all those who thought they found it, but now want to lose it, I think I'll try and take my time and do things the right way. Lord knows, I haven't done either of those things in the past. Thankfully, he knows how to keep a secret! Men are weird, mysterious and in my experience, difficult reads. For once I'd like to find the one who's as wild about me as I am about him. So far, no luck in that area, but, for now, I refuse to give up hope.
My favorite cousin and I have re-connected, just before I hit the big four oh. She is 9 months older than me. We had so much fun when we were younger. We were co-salon/boutique owners, she did hair and makeup and I designed clothes. We also were accomplished choreographers and this was all before either of us could drive! The fun we used to have! When we did get to the age of driving, we spent many weekends together, 'cruising town', going dancing, scoping out guys and mostly staying out of trouble. I usually had to be in by 11, with my strict father laying down that law, not much trouble 2 teenage girls in smalltown, PA could find before 11pm. We turned out okay though. She's been married since 1994!!!! She's got 3 kids, who I'm sure are as well-behaved as we were. The first time we went out together was about a month ago and I felt like I took over the whole conversation. When we left the restaurant, I realized (with embarrassment,) she hadn't said much of anything, but she listened with interest to all my stories, good and bad. No judging. When we arranged our next 'date' I made sure to tell her that she needed to 'take the floor' this time. Her reply was I don't have much to talk about. Your stories are more interesting. You should write a book. I told her I'd have to take a pen name, due to the fact that I'm not exactly proud of everything I've done in life and I can't imagine having my parents read it all in print! My baggage spread out for everyone to see! Just like when I went to England for the first time and I opened my suitcase to unpack in the hotel. I unlocked the case and upon opening it, there was a piece of paper in there that I did not pack. It was not in there when I handed it off to the lady at the desk in the Philly airport! It read something like, "Your bag has been inspected for the safety of all." This had been my first time flying. If I could tell you what was in that bag, you would seriously explode with laughter at that statement, but if I told you, I'd have to use a pen name...
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